Today I reached the 7-day mark in sobriety.
I think, because I’ve done it before and know that I can, I haven’t found it difficult because I know that I can do it. I also think it’s also because I have a lot of other cool things happening that make me feel really positive – such as starting my new venture.
Or, maybe it’s because, being 7-days free of alcohol, my mood has improved anyway, so I just feel happy regardless. I’m not quite at the stage where I would be experiencing the “pink cloud” that’s discussed in sober circles, so I don’t really know what it is – long may it continue, though!
I’ve been thinking a lot about why this time maybe feels different to the last time I quit.
I said in a previous post that I stopped for 2 years. That isn’t quite true, I mostly stopped, but had blow outs and – because I wasn’t so used to alcohol – I would get very drunk very quickly. After each occasion, I would tell myself what a great time I had had, which further re-enforced the subconscious and sometimes conscious belief that I would one day return to the fold of intoxicated (non)bliss.
This time, my conscious decision is to stop for good. Last time, I only initially committed to a period of 3 months and, therefore, always felt uncomfortable about the fact that I didn’t drink after that point. I hated social events sober – my friends are all caners – and I found them exhausting and felt that I missed drinking with them and having those deep conversations that nobody remembers in the morning.
Back when I quit before, there were two books that I really loved and I’ve been re-listening to them again.
The links above take you to the relevant websites for each book.
Before, in sobriety mark i, let’s say, my favourite book was the former, the brilliant Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Grey. I loved this book because I was relatively new at the sober thing and while the majority of the book is spent extolling how great life is sans booze, at the beginning is a really raw description of the predicaments Catherine got herself into as the result of drinking.
I identified with it, because it was me and the very recent me. I never ended up in a jail cell, but nearly every scenario Catherine has described, I have done.
I wasted a holiday in Cape Town by sitting drinking wine reading a book, telling myself that I was “enjoying just watching the world go by”. Sure, I went up Table Mountain and went to see the Penguins, but in 10 days there, I did nothing else bar drink, smoke and go out to bars and clubs. Catherine describes a similar story about Washington DC.
There are many more things that I have done, similar to Catherine, but I can tell you about them in future posts – more fun that way!
I’m still very proud that, during early sobriety, Catherine responded to an instagram (or maybe twitter) message I sent her asking for advice when I was about to meet with some university friends, with whom I’d spent 3-months abroad with one summer in Swaziland; a time which consisted of hard work and extensive drinking and pot smoking. I was worried I’d want to drink with them again given that our relationship was founded on alcohol.
She gave great advice, and I didn’t drink that weekend.
This time around, sobriety mark ii, I find more affinity with The Sober Diaries by Claire Pooley. I loved her book before, but I suppose didn’t always identify with Claire’s life. Claire, even before giving up booze, seemed to live a pretty adult life (she lives in Fulham for Christ’s sake, I’d LOVE to live in Fulham) – whereas, I didn’t.
However, my life became far more “adult” in the 2 years when I previously (mostly) gave up. I got a mortgage, I got a dog, I had an unblemished absence record in work, I went to the dentist etc. etc.
And I still live that life now.
So, now, Claire’s book probably more accurately represents where I am now and scenarios I’ve more recently found myself in, such as attempting to cook Christmas dinner while completely sozzled – it took me 5 hours and we ate at 10pm and there’s only 2 of us.
One thing I like about Claire’s book is that she describes the fact that, even after 10 months, she still didn’t really enjoy going to alcohol-driven events as a sober person – although I think had pretty much cracked it after a year.
That was my undoing previously. I told myself, finally, that I just didn’t enjoy socialising when sober, so I am going to drink. I now realise that this was actually my own “wine witch” which I still have to name and intend to do a separate post on once I have. Indeed, when realising this my own wine witch had been piping on about how I could drink on special days like my Birthday and Christmas.
This thinking took me to reflection. The latter stage of 2021 was spent with me feeling utterly overwhelmed.
I sing in choirs, play in bands, I have an allotment, I do Crossfit, I work, I’m a school governor and, I suppose, a bit of a yes man. I always seem to end up doing more because people ask me to and I say “yes”.
Everything opened up again in September 2021, so suddenly my diary went from being completely empty to being completely full in the space of a week and I honestly felt unable to cope and kept asking myself “how on earth did I do all this before covid”.
On top of that, I was dealing with my Father in Law’s deteriorating health from cancer, a re-mortgage and a dog that had just had cruciate ligament surgery.
Fair enough, there was a lot. However, I used to be able to deal with my commitments and then some without feeling utterly overwhelmed and unable to breath.
The only thing that had changed between the before-covid time and the end of last year, is that I was drinking. Generally a bottle of wine a night. I sit here now, almost slapping my head.
Of COURSE I felt overwhelmed. If I wasn’t dealing with a hangover or generic brain fog, I wasn’t doing the added little bits in the evenings I needed to do to keep up with my commitments. This quickly progressed into an ongoing cycle of me not performing at my best, and that knowledge making me depressed and overwhelmed, which led to – you guessed it – drinking!
Viscous circle indeed.
In sobriety mark i, I didn’t reflect. The focus was on simply not drinking for as long as possible. In sobriety mark ii I believe the key will be reflection on thoughts, actions, feelings, past lives, past wishes, present loves and achievements, and future hopes and, I suppose, this is why I’m writing.
Stay happy folks.
640 Days to 40 