On Thursday night, I was faced with a choice after 16 days of sobriety.
My other half had gone to visit family for the weekend and I was alone with nothing to do.
Really, I should have mentally prepared for this. I know that, previously, I have ALWAYS indulged when I’ve been alone, even if I haven’t for the most part been drinking. I’m alone, nobody will know and it’s when the wine witch/warlock or whatever I’m going to call her/him goes absolutely mental.
I started cooking to divert my attention and it was “cooking is better with a glass of wine”. I watched telly and it was “telly is better with a glass of wine”. I watched “28 days” to try and snap myself out of it “you can have your last glass of wine while watching this, the film will snap you out of it and you’ll have still got to have your ‘treat'”.
I did try to fight it with logic, but ultimately I was primed to listen and after about 2 hours of fighting (whomever says that a craving lasts a few minutes is talking shit btw) I hot-footed it to the shop and bought some wine. 2 fucking bottles of it.
I’ve always found this. If I’ve had a period of abstinence, if I get the opportunity to drink, I’ll make damn sure I have enough to get pissed. It’s also how I reasoned with myself that I should start again – “if the option is always there, you won’t go mental with it like you do when you feel it’s prohibited”.
Anyway, the rest is history.
Friday was just a write off and thank God my boss was on holiday – and to be honest, it was in this knowledge that I also went for it.
In my first post on this blog I said that I’d asked for help. I self-referred myself to a local alcohol service. Now, you see, I wasn’t particularly keen on this idea and, despite them saying they’d get back to me within 5 days, they haven’t. I have been quite glad about this, I was finding it easy, I didn’t need help, I’d just carry on as a non-drinker. But, I clearly lack tools to get over things like this, especially when I’m alone.
So, on Saturday I did some research and found SMART recovery. I’ve never been drawn to AA, I’m not religious despite a lot of my life being spent around the church, even now. I also don’t like the idea of going over and over the bad things you’ve done in the past. I question how that is healthy. Additionally, as I’ve mentioned before, I am so averse to labels such as alcoholic that I just don’t think AA is the right fit for me.
However, SMART recovery seems to be more present and forward-looking with a recovery approach focussed on behaviour and psychology, that’s far more up my street. So, I have enquired as to whether I can join one of their online meetings this morning.
Now, all this being said. There are a few things to note that are actually extremely positive. All this happened Thursday night. I had a busy weekend ahead as I was singing in a concert on Saturday and at mass and then evensong on Sunday. I didn’t drink for the rest of the weekend, even around my Sunday choir colleagues whom I spent the whole day with and whom I fell in love with originally due to our shared love of drinking (nobody drinks like church choirs and doctors I have found). They drank all day and I had water and an alcohol free beer and then was fully able to drive from Tottenham to Croydon sober to enjoy a few hours at home chilling before bed.
Despite me noticing that my confidence was through the floor again all weekend, I still managed to salvage a great weekend that was sober, and I’m already at 3 days sober again. I did that on my own, while alone and with nobody to guide me. I’m proud of that.
I watched another film as well over the weekend, “Beautiful Boy”. It’s about a teen who gets addicted to Crystal Meth and how his dad tries to help him. One line stuck out for me. “Relapse is part of recovery”.
Taking that line on board, I think it’s important, therefore, that I take this weekend as a learning experience to build from and not an excuse to throw the towel in.
Learn from the negatives, reinforce the positives, and grow from the experience.
640 Days to 40 