Yesterday I joined a SMART Recovery meeting online (https://smartrecovery.org.uk/).
I liked the idea of SMART as it provides behavioural tools to enable you to manage your behaviour better, rather than re-living war stories and undertaking 12 steps etc. as offered by AA.
It was a bit of an eye opener.
I’ve never been able to reconcile whether or not I’m habitually addicted to alcohol. I know I’m not physically addicted, but addiction comes in many forms and I guess that was my big question – are my issues stemming from a form of addiction.
It’s one of the greatest questions out there in the sobersphere I guess too.
Having attended the meeting, I’m pretty certain that I am actually a problem drinker who could become addicted. Indeed I felt like a bit of an imposter at the meeting.
Everyone there was either in the throes of active addiction with their lives crumbling around them, or is in recovery having hit absolute rock bottom and nearly losing everything.
Indeed, there was a chap there who had had a drink before joining the meeting and he just reminded me of my mother, from the things he said to his flat in the background, it was very, very similar to my mother.
To be honest, I’m not quite sure what to think. I very much admire each and every one of them for the effort and courage they are showing and I actually felt a bit ashamed that I was there.
How dare I conflate my problem drinking with the issues these people are facing?
I almost felt like I’m not taking their issues seriously enough by me having the self-indulgence to believe that this is the right support for me.
At the end of the day, my choice to stop was in recognition that alcohol could ruin me in the future, but it hasn’t yet. While I feel that perhaps I need support, maybe full alcohol support programmes and groups are not the right fit for me – and perhaps I just need to be brave and have the discussion with myself that, actually, I’m just not going to drink.
Unfortunately, I don’t think there are groups or services out there for problem drinkers who are not facing addiction issues, but who potentially have maladaptive behavioural patterns and coping mechanisms, for people who could become addicted but are not there yet – well, unless I were to pay a shrink, I guess.
So, again, I don’t really know what to think or whether I’ll go back. It was fascinating, and I am seriously proud of everyone on that call,
However, frankly, I don’t want to detriment their experience with any self-indulgence on my part.
Need to think a bit more.
