The Day I Attended a Recovery Meeting

Yesterday I joined a SMART Recovery meeting online (https://smartrecovery.org.uk/).

I liked the idea of SMART as it provides behavioural tools to enable you to manage your behaviour better, rather than re-living war stories and undertaking 12 steps etc. as offered by AA.

It was a bit of an eye opener.

I’ve never been able to reconcile whether or not I’m habitually addicted to alcohol. I know I’m not physically addicted, but addiction comes in many forms and I guess that was my big question – are my issues stemming from a form of addiction.

It’s one of the greatest questions out there in the sobersphere I guess too.

Having attended the meeting, I’m pretty certain that I am actually a problem drinker who could become addicted. Indeed I felt like a bit of an imposter at the meeting.

Everyone there was either in the throes of active addiction with their lives crumbling around them, or is in recovery having hit absolute rock bottom and nearly losing everything.

Indeed, there was a chap there who had had a drink before joining the meeting and he just reminded me of my mother, from the things he said to his flat in the background, it was very, very similar to my mother.

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what to think. I very much admire each and every one of them for the effort and courage they are showing and I actually felt a bit ashamed that I was there.

How dare I conflate my problem drinking with the issues these people are facing?

I almost felt like I’m not taking their issues seriously enough by me having the self-indulgence to believe that this is the right support for me.

At the end of the day, my choice to stop was in recognition that alcohol could ruin me in the future, but it hasn’t yet. While I feel that perhaps I need support, maybe full alcohol support programmes and groups are not the right fit for me – and perhaps I just need to be brave and have the discussion with myself that, actually, I’m just not going to drink.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there are groups or services out there for problem drinkers who are not facing addiction issues, but who potentially have maladaptive behavioural patterns and coping mechanisms, for people who could become addicted but are not there yet – well, unless I were to pay a shrink, I guess.

So, again, I don’t really know what to think or whether I’ll go back. It was fascinating, and I am seriously proud of everyone on that call,

However, frankly, I don’t want to detriment their experience with any self-indulgence on my part.

Need to think a bit more.

The Day I Visited my New Opportunity

This post discusses both my new venture and some thoughts on alcohol culture here in the UK.

Yesterday, the other half and I travelled to the North of England to visit the offices of the franchise I am about to invest in.

What a great day! It was great to see them all in person and, through the spin, there was real clarity on where I could go and options I might have to scale my business in the future.

What’s great is that, the image proposed to me previously was quite a centralised operation – which it still will be. However, they are hoping to create regional hubs as well and my full intention is to become one.

Previously, I’d been concerned that I would essentially be just a freelancer operating a franchise. However, I began to see a clear picture of a scalable business which is ultimately what I want to do.

Feeling very positive about it. Indeed, at some stage, I’ll probably reveal who I am and what my franchise does – but I’m not there yet.

Moving on….now….this was a meeting full of sales people, we’re all in sales and that’s what the franchise does.

Therefore, it wasn’t long before the mention of “beers” was brought up…”oh, this place is good for a beer” – “oh, we’ve spent many a night in there” – “oh, we’ll have a few beers when you come up for training” – “oh, we’ve had a few beers with clients here, there and everywhere”

Not saying that they were wrong to do this. British culture is centred largely around alcohol and the pub. It’s a way of bonding, of showing you’re alright, of being social and I understood why it was brought up. They wanted me to feel at home and comfortable and that they were approachable people considering the massive life-leap I’m about to take.

However, I must admit, it caught me off guard a bit. I’d forgotten how much conversation revolves around drinking which you only notice when you’re actively not drinking. I got used to it when I was previously abstinent, but it’s the first time I had encountered it in my new phase of sobriety.

I’m not really looking forward to the point where I have to explain that I don’t drink.

People are just simply flabbergasted, it’s rarely just an “oh right, cool”. You end up spending so much time talking about the fact that you don’t drink, why it is you don’t drink, what it is you do drink and the various merits of alcohol free drinks.

Quite often you end up dealing with people justifying the amount that they drink (If I had a pound for somebody feeling the need to tell me “oh I don’t really drink that much nowadays”). I just want to say. “listen, mate, I really don’t care how much you drink”.

Sometimes you have to put up with the people who’ll swear blind that a glass of red wine is good for your heart. I used to challenge them and say; “yes, and the studies that found that were commissioned by the alcohol industry” but I now don’t engage with it and simply nod and go “oh, right”.

Frankly, it’s tiresome, and I don’t really enjoy it. There are far more interesting things to talk about (although the irony is that I’m writing about it).

But that’s where we are and I’ll go through it all again until people are used to it and stop asking.

To be quite honest, I was actually really craving a beer by the end of yesterday. I’d have quite happily gone to a nice warm pub and had a pint, which would have ended up in 2 pints, then beers on the train etc. etc. etc., it’s the sort of habitual thing I’d do after a long day and a very intense meeting, especially when I have to wait for a train.

But, I didn’t.

So, the positives are that I didn’t embarrass myself going for drinks with my new business associates, I didn’t roll home pissed as a fart, I have a potentially very exciting new business and I woke up this morning with a clear head and a sense of optimism.

Gotta be better than the alternative!

The Day I Looked for Help

Today I woke up with the most horrendous hangover with vague memories of angrily stomping around the house, tripping over things (our house is tiny and very cluttered because we don’t have enough space) and slugging my partner’s nice whisky.

Not a good look and, needless to say, I had a pretty angry message waiting for me from said partner on my phone.

I’ve always enjoyed a bevvy. I grew up in the 90s and 00s where drinking culture was huge and was hugely promoted. I loved clubbing and pubbing and, at some stage during my student days, I brought the frivolities home with me to the point where I had a drink pretty much every day whether I was going out or staying in.

Back before lockdown I actually gave up, a period planned to be only 3 months but which continued for around 2 years. Definitely during that time my life was better.

However, in the first lockdown in March 2020, I was furloughed, the weather was nice and I began to enjoy wine in the garden again and I’ve carried on ever since.

I’m not an alcoholic in that I’m not physically addicted to the stuff, but unfortunately, I’m a terrible drunk. I get angry, I get mean, I get nasty and I get horrible hangovers and can lose an entire day to one.

I also never stop at one drink which means I nearly always end up drunk anyway.

Sure it does help me socially, I find it easier to chat to folk but I’m no longer convinced that that merits the other damage drink causes such as heightened anxiety, a beer belly, lack of motivation and the dreaded fear.

I just don’t appear to have the physical constitution to deal with it and it’s most certainly not going to help me be living my best life beyond 40.

So, I’ve decided to stop again. However, this time, I’ve decided to get help along the way and today I referred myself to my local alcohol service.

It’s not something I particularly relish doing and I will not continue if, at any point, I get labelled an alcoholic because:

  1. I don’t believe I am one – though you could say I have a problem with alcohol
  2. I feel the label has such negative connotations, I’m not particularly keen to live under that cloud
  3. I grew up with an alcoholic and am determined that I am not going to be one

So, from this point forwards, I view myself simply as a non drinker and, if there’s help to be had with this, then I will gladly take it.

I look forward to updating you on my progress.